Hesitation

I wasn't far into the novel Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, when a single phrase spoken by a monologuing character caught my attention. He said: "[I] had a moment -- I won't say of hesitation, but of startled pause, before this commonplace affair" (p.77).

What caught my notice, was the denial of hesitation. Why would he not feel hesitation at the beginning of a dangerous and scorned journey? His peers obviously do not agree with his decision to leave to the unknown, and many even make the impression they do not believe he will return. Therefore, what normal human being would deny any hint at hesitation at all?

Hesitation is a normal human behaviour. Most people hesitate before acting in a way not accepted by society. In fact, most people hesitate - or think - before doing anything. In fact, hesitate may as well be considered simply thinking before acting.

So, why is this monologuing man not accounting for the thinking which went into his planned travels?

I believe that he either did think, but did not want to own up and admit to his slight hesitation, or is just plain dumb, and did not think at all before leaving.

As a child, most people are told by their parents to think before acting, and things will go well for you. Perhaps he grew up without parents, or he considers himself to high and mighty to need that little bit of second guessing.

Anyhow, the fact that he states he did not hesitate draws the attention, whether or not it is a true statement.